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|I Want to Choose My Husband
I am an 18 year old female and I wish to get married around 21 or 22 year of age. I don't know how I will approach my parents in saying this. But I want to choose my own partner and I don't want to marry anyone from their country I want a man from another country because the men in the country of my parents are not fit for my kind of lifestyle and are not pious because most look at non-Halal things online. I want to marry a good muslim who will guide my future children right.
Praise be to Allaah.
It is not permissible for a woman – whether she is a virgin or previously married – to get married without the permission of her guardian.
The family – customarily and usually – is able to know what is best for their daughter and who is best suited to marry her, because usually girls have little knowledge and experience of life and what is best for them, and they may be deceived by some nice words, and be ruled by their hearts rather than by their heads.
Hence a girl should not go against her family’s opinion, if they are known for their religious-commitment and wisdom. But if a woman’s guardians reject husbands for no valid reason, or if their criteria for choosing a husband are not acceptable by the standards of sharee’ah – such as if they prefer a rich evildoer over one who is religiously committed and of good character – then it is permissible for the girl to refer the matter to the qaadi (sharee’ah judge) to annul the guardianship of the one who is not letting her get married, and pass that role to someone else. But this is not applicable to your case.
The things that lead to love between a young man and a young woman may be things that are not Islamically acceptable, such as mixing, being alone together, speaking, exchanging pictures, and so on. If this is the case then a woman should realize that she has done something haraam, and this is not the standard by which the man’s love for her should be measured. For usually at this stage the man shows his best side and makes his behaviour look as good as possible, so he can win the girl’s heart and get what he wants. If what he wants is haraam, then she will be like a victim for the wolf and will lose the most precious thing that she possesses after her religion. If what he wants is permissible – namely marriage – then he has gone about it in a way that is not permissible. Moreover, she may get a shock when she sees his attitude and how he treats her after marriage. This is the fate of many wives.
So the family has to make a good choice for their daughter. They should find out more about the husband, and they should not judge a person on the basis of heated discussion that may be justifiable. What matters is the man’s attitude and religious commitment. The family should also remember the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “We do not think there is anything better for two who love one another than marriage.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 1847; classed as saheeh by al-Busayri and al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 624.
The girl has to obey her family, for they know best what is in her best interests, and all they want is for her to be happy with a husband who will respect her and give her her rights.
It may be obligatory for a woman letting a man know that she wants to marry him if a woman longs for marriage and fears falling into immoral ways. It is also the Sunnah of the Prophets (peace be upon them).
There is nothing wrong with a woman letting a man know that in principle, however the woman should not propose herself, rather it is better if that is done via her wali (guardian) or someone else who can let the man know. This is indicated by the fact that ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) offered his daughter Hafsah in marriage to Abu Bakr, Ali and ‘Uthmaan (may Allaah be pleased with them).
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And indeed We sent Messengers before you (O Muhammad), and made for them wives and offspring” [al-Ra’d 13:38]
There is a difference between a Muslim woman looking for a husband and her mixing with and talking to men for that purpose, and meeting by accident a man who she thinks is a potential husband. The former is contrary to modesty, for a woman is required to be of modest character and shy, which is an adornment and beauty for women; the virgin is the epitome of modesty as it says in the hadeeth of Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri (may Allaah be pleased with him): “The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to be more shy than the virgin in her seclusion, and if he disliked something it would be known from his face.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5751; Muslim, 2320
It is not permissible for the walee to refuse marriage because the prospective husband does not follow his manhaj of da’wah, or because he is not of his tribe or from his country. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) commanded us to marry religious people and not to refuse them, otherwise corruption and tribulation would be the result.
By the same token, it is not permissible for a woman to justify a marriage to whomever she wishes on the grounds that this person is following the same manhaj of da’wah. It is sufficient for her that the person who is proposing marriage is religiously committed and has a good attitude.
And all parties concerned should remember that their Lord, may He be blessed and exalted, is always watching them.
One of the shar’i conditions of marriage is the consent of the wife, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “A previously-married woman should not be married without consulting her and a virgin should not be married without asking her permission.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, how does she give her permission?” He said, “If she remains silent.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4741; Muslim, 2543.
No one has the right to force a girl to marry anyone, but at the same time she does not have the right to get married without her guardian’s permission.
As for your parents, we advice you to make du’aa’ for them and seek the help of some of your father’s / mother's friends or relatives whom you trust to try to have influence on them.
A woman can do something better than that, which is to make du’aa’ asking Allaah to give her a good and righteous husband. Du’aa’ is one of the best things with which a Muslim may equip himself and the best way in which a Muslim may seek to meet his needs. She can also speak to some of her Muslim sisters whose religious commitment and honesty she trusts to tell her of someone who can tell a young Muslim man who wants to get married about a Muslim girl. This is better than her doing something that is contrary to modesty.
The Muslim woman must adhere to this virtue which many Muslim women have forsaken, for it is the symbol of the Muslim woman, a sign of her commitment, sincere faith and piety.
I advise the sister to fear Allaah, and Allaah will help her and make her life easier for her. And Allaah is the One Whose help we seek.
And Allaah knows best.
Question Date: 2011-09-16
* The views posted are the opinions of the individual author of each posting, and are solely meant for education, discussion, and debate, not for any illegal purpose. The authors are not responsible or liable for the intentional, reckless, or negligent actions of any individual, and we assumes no responsibility for the content of the authors. Thus, the articles and materials posted do not represent, endorse or express the views of Muslims of Calgary or any of its affiliate organizations.
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