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|My Future Husband & My Past
I met a Muslim man. He told me about his past and the sins he has repented from. He told me he wanted a virgin wife. We have so much in common in our views regarding Islam and personal life I got scared and lied. I have a past I am ashamed about and have repented. I didn't want him to judge me based on my past. I wanted him to accept me for who I am today. I felt guilty so I confessed. He hates me now. Is there anything I can do to fix our relationship?
Praise be to Allaah.
Asking for details of a person’s past and wanting to know what sins they might have committed when they were ignorant about Islam – this is not right at all. Allaah covers people’s sins and loves to see them covered (i.e., not dragged out into the open). So long as a person has repented, his sins have been wiped out. Islam deletes whatever came before, so why should we ask questions that will only embarrass people? Allaah accepts people’s repentance without their having to confess or expose their sins to any other person. A number of the Sahaabah had committed adultery and murder repeatedly, or had buried infant girls alive, or stolen things, but when they entered Islam they were the best of people. No one needs to be reminded of a shameful past; it is over and done with, and Allaah is the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. What matters when considering a person for marriage is how that person is now: is he righteous or not? Has he cut all ties with his past and his wrong deeds, or not? If he is clearly living a good and righteous life now, then it is wrong to dig up the past. If there is any fear of anything that could have future implications, such as certain diseases and so on, then there are medical tests which can give the answer and put your mind at rest.
It was wrong of this man to discuss or as you said to confess his past to you. It is not permitted to bring up the past of a person who regrets it and has repented and given up his sin; rather, this should be covered up. You have participated on the same exercise and fallen into the same mistake as he did by uncovering your bad past and sins to a human being. You both totally forgot Allaah's blessings on both of you when He Almighty concealed your bad deeds.
The fiancé or husband has no right to ask about his wife's past. It is sufficient for him that she is righteous and is known for good at the time of marrying her, and there is nothing wrong with her religious commitment or chastity. As to whether she did anything haraam in the past, but then repented from it and became righteous, it is wrong to ask her about that and make her choose between telling lies or getting divorced, or make her tell her secrets and disclose that which Allaah had concealed for her, then if she tells him the truth, that opens the door to doubt and suspicion.
What some people call for, of each spouse being frank with the other and telling them of things in the past that Allaah has concealed, is wrong and ignorant. Rather they should be pleased that Allaah has concealed it and they should praise Allaah for it.
A wife or fiancée is not obliged to tell us what happened in the past that Allaah has concealed. Rather she must conceal herself, because the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) said: “Avoid this filth that Allaah has forbidden. Whoever does any such thing, then let him conceal it with the concealment of Allaah.” (Narrated by al-Bayhaqi; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, no. 663).
And Muslim (2590) narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah does not conceal a person in this world but Allaah will conceal him on the Day of Resurrection.”
If her husband or fiancé persists in asking, then she may use a double entendre, such as saying: Nothing happened between me and that man -- meaning that nothing happened today or yesterday, because she is enjoined to conceal it and there is no interest to be served in telling him. So it is prescribed for her to use a double entrendre, and in fact some scholars said that it is permissible to tell a lie in that case.
Based on that, we hope that there will be no sin on you because of the lie that you told, although it would have been better to use a double entendre.
Hence we advise the following:
1- If possible you should lie about yourself in front of your future husband and avoid discussing the bad past as if it never happened.
2- You should not tell your family; otherwise you will be making the same mistakes.
3- You should be patient in your life, and you need to prove to yourself that the past has nothing to do with the present.
4- You should take stock of your situation before your Lord, and pray to Him to lessen your calamity and to replace it with something better.
In many cases it is very difficult to get a true picture of a person and be sure about whether he is chaste or otherwise. But by researching, asking questions, consulting people and asking them for advice, whilst taking one’s time and asking Allaah for help, one can get answers. We ask Allaah to choose the best for you, to help you and to guide you.
And Allaah knows best.
Question Date: 2010-09-20
* The views posted are the opinions of the individual author of each posting, and are solely meant for education, discussion, and debate, not for any illegal purpose. The authors are not responsible or liable for the intentional, reckless, or negligent actions of any individual, and we assumes no responsibility for the content of the authors. Thus, the articles and materials posted do not represent, endorse or express the views of Muslims of Calgary or any of its affiliate organizations.
* Acceptance of Repentance (2011-04-03)* Dua'a for Forgiveness (2013-03-15)* Falling in Love But Not At Peace (2012-04-12)* Feeling Cursed (2011-11-07)* I Committed Zina (2010-04-03)* Loved & Dated Thinking He Will Be My Soulmate (2012-01-07)* Means of Expiating Sin (2012-10-12)* Not Sure If I am Muslim Anymore (2013-03-11)* Said Wallah to Escape Mom's Doubts (2012-07-19)* Shirk & Forgiveness (2010-12-21)* Why Aren’t My Prayers Being Answered? (2011-07-11)