Praise be to Allaah.
First of all we ask Allaah to guide you and grant you happiness, and I ask Him to increase the numbers of girls like you who are keen to maintain chastity and purity and adhere to the sacred limits of Allaah in their affairs, among the most important of which are emotional relationships that many people take lightly, so they overstep the mark and transgress the sacred limits of Allaah, and Allaah tests them with problems that we read about and hear of, in which there is a lesson for every Muslim and for every wise person.
You should note that correspondence and contact between the sexes is one of the doors that lead to fitnah (temptation). Sharee’ah is filled with evidence which indicates that it is essential to beware of falling into the traps of the shaytaan in this matter. When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saw a young man merely looking at a young woman, he turned his head so as to make him look away, then he said: “I saw a young man and a young woman, and I did not trust the shaytaan not to tempt them.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (885) and classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.
Hence you must cut off contact with this young man, and we hope that you will stop all your communication immediately, because correspondence is one of the greatest doors to corruption that have been opened for people nowadays.
This does not mean that it is haraam for a man or woman to like a specific person whom he or she chooses to be a spouse, and feel love for that person and want to marry them if possible. Love has to do with the heart, and it may appear in a person’s heart for reasons known or unknown. But if it is because of mixing or looking or haraam conversations, then it is also haraam. If it is because of previous acquaintance, being related or because of hearing about that person, and one cannot ward it off, then there is nothing wrong with that love, so long as one adheres to the sacred limits set by Allaah. Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
If love develops for a reason that is not haraam, a person cannot be blamed for that, such as one who loves his wife or his slave woman, then he leaves her but that love remains and does not leave him. He is not to be blamed for that. The same applies if he glances accidentally then looks away, but love may settle in his heart without him wanting it to. But he has to ward it off and look away. End quote. Rawdat al-Muhibbeen (p. 147).
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
A person may hear that a woman is of good character and virtuous and knowledgeable, so he may want to marry her. Or a woman may hear that a man is of good character and virtuous and knowledgeable and religiously committed, so she may want to marry him. But contact between the two who admire one another in ways that are not Islamically acceptable is the problem, which leads to disastrous consequences. In this case it is not permissible for the man to get in touch with the woman or for the woman to get in touch with the man, and say that he wants to marry her. Rather he should tell her wali (guardian) that he wants to marry her, or she should tell her wali that she wants to marry him, as ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) did when he offered his daughter Hafsah in marriage to Abu Bakr and ‘Uthmaan (may Allaah be pleased with them both). But if the woman contacts the man directly, this is what leads to fitnah (temptation). End quote. Liqaa’aat al-Baab il-Maftooh (26/question no. 13)
You should note that the stage of adolescence is the most dangerous stage that a person goes through, because during this stage there are many physical, mental, emotional and sexual changes, and the shaytaan is keen to tempt a person during this stage by whatever means and methods he can. Hence every adolescent boy and girl must be cautious. What we recommend at this stage is:
Strive to do acts of worship, both obligatory and mustahabb, and strive to keep away from haraam, doubtful and makrooh things.
Among the means which will help you to avoid falling into the trap of the shaytaan and keep away from disobedience to Allaah are:
- Remembering that Allaah is always watching and bearing in mind His greatness, especially when you are alone.
- Not following in the footsteps of the shaytaan. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “O you who believe! Follow not the footsteps of Shaytaan (Satan). And whosoever follows the footsteps of Shaytaan (Satan), then, verily, he commands Al‑Fahsha’ [i.e. to commit indecency (illegal sexual intercourse)], and Al‑Munkar [disbelief and polytheism (i.e. to do evil and wicked deeds; and to speak or to do what is forbidden in Islam)]” [al-Noor 24:21]. The steps of the shaytaan are like a chain; the one who follows them will not stop and each step is more serious than the one that came before it, unless a person checks himself and gives it up and repents from every sin.
- Repenting from every sin. A Muslim may fall into sin, but if that happens what he must do is give it up and repent, and not continue and persist in it. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And those who, when they have committed Faahishah (illegal sexual intercourse) or wronged themselves with evil, remember Allaah and ask forgiveness for their sins; — and none can forgive sins but Allaah — and do not persist in what (wrong) they have done, while they know” [Aal ‘Imraan 3:135]. And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Every son of Adam commits sin, and the best of those who commit sin are those who repent.” Narrated by Ibn Majaah (4251). Shaykh al-Albaani said: It is hasan.
- Thinking of death and the meeting with Allaah. The one who remembers that death may come to him suddenly and that he will meet Allaah, Who will ask him about his deeds, will avoid sin.
- Turning to Allaah and praying that He will help you to do good deeds and give up evil deeds, for Allaah will never let down the one who calls upon Him. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And when My slaves ask you (O Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم) concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them by My Knowledge). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me (without any mediator or intercessor). So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright” [al-Baqarah 2:186].
Strive to find good companions and keep away from bad companions, for a friend will have an impact on his friends, as it was said:
Do not ask about a man, rather ask about his friend, for every friend follows the example of his friends.
You should fill your time with beneficial and useful things, both religious and worldly, and beware of free time for it is one of the greatest sources of corruption at this stage.
If you want to win people’s hearts, then treat them kindly and have a good attitude towards them, cooperate with them and meet their needs, for in this way you will be able to win their hearts.
Among the wisdom narrated from ‘Ali (may Allaah be pleased with him) are his words:
Do favours to whoever you want and you will be like his master, and be in need of whoever you want and you will be like his prisoner, and be independent of whoever you want and you will be his equal.
You are still young, and you should discipline yourself to obey Allaah and always remember that He is watching; fear Allaah concerning people’s honour; strive for the Day when you will meet your Lord with your deeds; remember the scandal that may happen in this world and the Hereafter. Remember that you have brothers and someday will have a husband and children, so would you like for one of them what you are doing with the sons of the Muslims? The answer is that you would certainly not like it, and other people do not like it either. Remember that you may see the results of your sin in some of your family members as a punishment to you from your Lord.
Remember that you are angering your Lord with such sins as talking to him, and anything more than that is even more serious. You should realize that zina does not only involve the private parts, rather the eyes may commit zina, the ears may commit zina, the hand may commit zina and the foot may commit zina, as was proven from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). All of that leads to the zina of the private parts. So do not let the Shaytaan deceive you, for he is an enemy to you who wishes you evil and tells you to commit immoral actions.
Our advice to you is that it is essential to stop corresponding with this young man, and tell him that he has to propose to you through your wali, if he really does want to get married. But if correspondence whether by phone or by email continues between you on that basis, this – according to the rulings of sharee’ah and the experience of real life – is a wrong path that opens the door to sin and corruption. You can be certain that you will never find happiness except by obeying Allaah and adhering to the limits set by his sharee’ah. The permissible ways are sufficient and there is no need for haraam means, but we make it hard for ourselves and the shaytaan takes advantage of that.
The fact that you are upset by this matter and are worried about its effect on yourself and your worship is a sign that your heart is (spiritually) alive, praise be to Allaah. Ask Allaah for forgiveness and repent to Him from your negligence in this matter.
May Allaah help us and you to remain chaste and righteous.
And Allaah knows best.