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Love Relationship with Guilt & Pain

Question:
I love and want to marry a man, but then there is a second man who says he loves me and wants to marry me. Also, my 15 year old cousin is in love with that second man. I don't know what to do. The second man said he'll kill himself if I don't say yes. I can't give my little cousin that much pain. All I can think of is my own death. Seems to be the only escape. What can I do? Please help me. I am so desperate. I pray for God to take my life before I hurt anyone or before anyone is hurt because of me.

Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly: 

The divine decree means that Allaah has decreed all things from eternity, and He knows that they will happen at the times that are known to Him, in specific ways as He has written and willed. They will happen as He has decreed them and created them. 

Belief in the divine decree is one of the pillars of faith without which a person’s faith is not valid, and belief in the divine decree is not valid unless the Muslim believes in the four principles of the divine decree which are: 

1 – Belief that Allaah knows all things in general and in details from eternity, and not even an atom is hidden from Him in heaven or on earth. 
2 – Belief that Allaah wrote all that in al-Lawh al-Mahfooz, fifty thousand years before He created the heavens and the earth. 
3 – Belief in the effective will of Allaah and His all-encompassing power. Nothing happens in this universe, good or bad, except by His will, may He be glorified. 
4 – Belief that everything is created by Allaah; He is the Creator of all things and the Creator of their attributes and actions. 

These details will explain to you that Allaah has decreed from eternity who will be your family, who will be your wife, and who will be your children.

Everything that has happened and will happen in the universe is decreed by Allaah. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 
“Verily, We have created all things with Qadar (Divine Preordainments of all things before their creation as written in the Book of Decrees __Al Lawh Al Mahfooz)” [al-Qamar 54:49] 

Secondly: 

This does not mean that a person has no will in this world, or that a person should not strive to apply the means of attaining happiness and soundness. Allaah has created a means to reach every objective. Whoever wants to have a child has to get married. Whoever wants to be happy in the Hereafter has to strive hard for it, and follow the path of guidance. Whoever wants wealth has to work hard.  

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Know that everyone will be guided to do that for which he was created. Whoever is meant to be one of the people of happiness will be guided to do the deeds of the people of happiness, and whoever is meant to be one of the people of doom will be guided to do the deeds of the people of doom.” Agreed upon. 

Allaah does not tell anyone the details of what will happen to him, good or bad. Hence everyone has to strive to bring goodness to himself and ward off harm from himself. It is not wise to travel a path that leads to the opposite of what he wants and then say, “I will never get anything but that which has been decreed for me.” No one should sit in his house and then say: “I will never get any provision but that which has been decreed for me.” No one should eat rotten food and then say: “Nothing will happen to me but that which Allaah has decreed for me.” These are things which if anyone does them or says them, he would be regarded as insane and he is indeed insane. 

With regard to marriage in particular, the Muslim knows that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) encouraged marriage to one who is religiously committed. This means that he should look for and seek out one who is religiously committed. No wise man would say “I will never try to do that” because if he is offered a woman who is insane or ugly or old or of bad character, he would never accept her as a wife. He will never say that he will marry the first woman he sees or the first woman who is offered to him. This supports what we have said, that he will turn away from some women and will think about others and will hesitate about some of them, and so on. If, after looking, thinking, consulting others and praying istikhaarah, he chooses a woman who is suitable for him, he will know that what Allaah decrees happens and what He does not decree does not happen, so he should hope that his Lord will guide him and decree for him that which is best for him and dearest to Allaah. Then if it happens, and his Lord decrees that he be given it or it be withheld, and whether it is in accordance with his desires or not, he has to think positively of his Lord and realize that Allaah does not decree anything for His grateful, patient, believing slave but that which is good. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for all his affairs are good and this does not apply to anyone except the believer. If something good happens to him he is grateful, and that is good for him, and if something bad happens to him he is patient, and that is good for him.” Narrated by Muslim (2999). 

Thirdly:

With regard to the effect of obedience and sin on changing the divine decree, you know that that which is in al-Lawh al-Mahfooz can never be changed. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.” Narrated and classed as saheeh by al-Tirmidhi (2516), from the hadeeth of Ibn ‘Abbaas. As for the pages which are in the hands of the angels, Allaah may command His angels to change it because of an act of worship that a Muslim does or because of a sin that he commits, but in the end it will not be anything other than that which was decreed from eternity. This is indicated by the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):  
“Allaah blots out what He wills and confirms (what He wills). And with Him is the Mother of the Book (Al Lawh Al Mahfooz)” [al-Ra’d 13:39] 

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) urged us to do some acts of worship which have an effect of increasing a person’s lifespan, such as upholding ties of kinship, and he said that du’aa’ can repel the divine decree. What this means is that Allaah knew from the beginning that His slave So and so would do this act of worship, so He decreed for him a long life or a blessed provision, and au contraire a person may commit a sin because of which he is deprived of provision, and Allaah knew that and decreed it from eternity and decreed it according to His knowledge. Allaah does not compel anyone to obey Him or disobey Him. 

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) summed this up in one hadeeth: 

It was narrated that Thawbaan said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Nothing increases one’s lifespan except righteousness and nothing repels the divine decree except du’aa’, and a man may be deprived of provision by a sin that he commits.” 
Al-Busayri said in Misbaah al-Zujaajah (no. 33) 

Fourthly: 

Your love for a man who is of good character and religiously committed means that you must beware of falling into anything that is forbidden in sharee’ah, such as corresponding with him, speaking to him or being alone with him. We advise you to pray that Allaah will bless you with a righteous husband. Asking Allaah to help you to find a righteous husband. 

We think that forming an attachment to that man is a sign of idleness. What we mean is that you are not keeping yourself busy with important things, so the Shaytaan is filling your heart with things that will harm you and affect your religious commitment, or things that go against your best interests. 

Seek the help of Allaah and ask Him to guide you. If he remains as he is, and you have prayed istikhaarah asking your Lord for guidance, then your rizk (destiny) will reach you. Otherwise, there are many other men like him, so pray for one who is religiously committed. 

There follows a description of the most important qualities which should be present in the man whom you choose or accept to be your husband and the father of your children, if Allaah decrees that you will have children.

Religious commitment. This is the most important thing to look for in the man you want to marry. The husband should be a Muslim who adheres to all the laws and teachings of Islam in his daily life. The woman’s guardian (wali) should strive to check out this matter and not rely only on outward appearances. One of the most important things to ask about is the man’s prayer (salaah); the one who neglects the rights of Allaah is more likely to neglect the rights of others. The true believer does not oppress or mistreat his wife; if he loves her, he honours her, and if he does not love her, he does not mistreat or humiliate her. It is very rare to find this attitude among those who are not sincere Muslims. Allaah says (interpretation of the meanings):
“and verily, a believing slave is better than a (free) Mushrik (idolater), even though he pleases you” [al-Baqarah 2:221]
“Verily, the most honourable of you with Allaah is that (believer) who has At-Taqwaa [i.e. he is one of the Muttaqoon (the pious)]” [al-Hujuraat 49:13]
“Good statements are for good people (or good women for good men) and good people for good statements (or good men for good women)” [al-Noor 24:26]

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

“If there comes to you one whose religious commitment and attitude pleases you, then marry [your female relative who is under your care] to him, for if you do not do that, there will be tribulation on earth and much corruption.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi, 1084).

As well as being religiously committed, it is preferable that he should come from a good family and a known lineage. If two men come to propose marriage to one woman, and they are equal in terms of religious commitment, then preference should be given to the one who comes from a good family that is known for its adherence to the commands of Allaah, so long as the other person is not better than him in terms of religious commitment – because the righteousness of the husband’s close relatives could be passed on to his children and his good origins and lineage may make him refrain from many foolish and cheap actions. The righteousness of the father and grandfather are beneficial to the children and grandchildren. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And as for the wall, it belonged to two orphan boys in the town; and there was under it a treasure belonging to them; and their father was a righteous man, and your Lord intended that they should attain their age of full strength and take out their treasure as a mercy from your Lord” [al-Kahf 18:82].

See how Allaah protected their father’s wealth for the two boys after the father died, as an honour to him because of his righteousness and taqwaa. By the same token, if the husband comes from a righteous family and his parents are good, Allaah will make things easy for him and protect him as an honour to his parents.

It is good if he has sufficient wealth to keep him and his family from having to ask people for anything, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Faatimah bint Qays (may Allaah be pleased with her), when she came to consult him about three men who had proposed marriage to her, “As for Mu’aawiyah, he is a poor man who has no wealth…” (Narrated by Muslim, 1480). It is not essential that he should be a businessman or rich, it is sufficient for him to have an income that will keep him and his family from having to ask people for anything. If there is a choice between a man who is religiously committed and a man who is wealthy, then the religious man should be given preference over the wealthy man.

It is preferable that he should be kind and gentle towards women, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Faatimah bint Qays, in the hadeeth quoted above, “As for Abu Jaham, his stick never leaves his shoulder”, referring to the fact that he used to beat women a lot.

It is good if he is sound of body and healthy, free of faults, sickness, etc., and not disabled or sterile.

It is preferable that he should have knowledge of the Qur’aan and Sunnah; if you find someone like this it is good, otherwise you should realize that this is something rare.

It is permissible for the woman to look at the man who comes to propose marriage, and for him to look at her. This should be in the presence of her mahram, and it is not permitted to look more than is necessary, or for him to see her alone, or for her to go out with him on her own, or to meet repeatedly for no reason.

According to Islam, the woman’s wali (guardian) should check on the man who proposes marriage to the woman who is under his guardianship; he should ask those whom he trusts among those who mix with him and who know him, about his commitment to Islam and his trustworthiness.

He should ask them for an honest opinion and sincere, sound advice.

Before and during all of this, you must turn towards Allaah and pray to Him to make it easy for you and help you to make a good choice and to grant you wisdom. Then after all these efforts, when you have decided on a particular person, you should pray Istikhaarah, asking Allaah for that which is good. Then after you have done your utmost, put your trust in Allaah, for He is the best of helpers, may He be glorified.
Adapted from Jaami’ Ahkaam al-Nisaa’ by Shaykh Mustafaa al-‘Adawi.

For you to wish for death to escape the problem is not a solution either.  It is not permissible for a Muslim to wish for death if the reason for that is some worldly harm that has be fallen him. Rather he must be patient and seek the help of Allaah. We ask Allaah to grant you relief from the distress that you are suffering. 

And for the gentleman to threaten in committing suicide is absolutely insane and it does give some sort of indication about his religious commitment.  

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"And do not kill yourselves. Surely, Allaah is Most merciful to you. And whoever commits that through aggression and injustice, We shall cast him into the Fire…" [al-Nisa' 4:29-30]
 
No matter what psychological pressure or extreme distress befalls him, the Muslim cannot go ahead and kill himself, because he knows that the punishment for that is Hell and a painful torment, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
"Whoever throws himself down from a mountain and kills himself, he will be in the Fire of Hell throwing himself down for ever and ever. Whoever drinks poison and kills himself will have the poison in his hand, drinking it in the Fire of Hell for ever and ever. Whoever kills himself with a piece of iron [a weapon] will have that piece of iron in his hand, stabbing himself in the stomach with it in the Fire of Hell forever and ever." (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5778).
 
Starving oneself to death by refusing food is also a kind of suicide and deliberately killing oneself. How can a Muslim who believes in Allaah and the Last Day think of trying to move from the suffering of this world to the suffering of the Hereafter, which is more severe and more long-lasting? No sane person would do this. And for what? For a woman, when he could always find another woman to marry. Moreover, circumstances may change, and they may change their minds and agree to the marriage after a while. Whatever the case, he has to seek the help of Allaah and persevere with sabr (patience).
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"And whosoever fears Allaah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty)." [al-Talaaq 65:2]
"Allaah will grant after hardship, ease." [al-Talaaq 65:7]

We ask Allaah to guide you to that which will please Him, to make things easy for you, to help you make a wise choice, to help you to do that which He loves and which pleases Him, and to bless you with a righteous husband and good offspring. 

And Allaah knows best.

Question Date: 2010-06-01

* The views posted are the opinions of the individual author of each posting, and are solely meant for education, discussion, and debate, not for any illegal purpose. The authors are not responsible or liable for the intentional, reckless, or negligent actions of any individual, and we assumes no responsibility for the content of the authors. Thus, the articles and materials posted do not represent, endorse or express the views of Muslims of Calgary or any of its affiliate organizations.



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